Do you ever wonder, when you got a soul? Do you remember when it was or perhaps you always had one.
By soul, I mean, you really became you, with your own thoughts and perceptions rather than your standard reactions and opinions. Many unfortunately, still behave this way but most of us have found our soul.
Maybe I’m full of s**t. Maybe there is no soul, maybe we always have one. But I remember the moment I really came to life, where my perception opened up and I felt like I became something different, more human. It was the day I was r***d. That’s the day it all went wrong.
That was the day I got my soul.
I truly believe, through only great adversity, tragedy and personal or spiritual triumph, do we attain our souls. Some say, changed, some say empowered, call it whatever you like, they all mean the same thing. Like new age hippies who pray to the universe instead of God or believe in that number one seller for middle aged, slightly desperate housewives, that book, The Secret. Affirmations, prayers, good vibes… it’s all the same f*****g thing. Regardless, something happens to you when your spirit and will is tested. I’m not talking about having to pass your midterms, I’m saying when your f*****g being is challenged. When your life is on the line or your f*****g sanity. Sometimes we come out for the better but most of the time, people are too weak to conquer themselves, let alone a force far more determined than themselves. And sometimes… we win and like that quote goes, “Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” You can think that’s cringe if you like but if that’s the case, you most likely haven’t been tested too greatly and your greatest worry in life is if Chad or Stacey thinks you’re cute enough to f**k you at prom. In which case, this story isn’t going to be your level of material.
The day I got my very own soul. I’m anonymous here so I guess there is no shame in being as honest as possible, yet I’m still nervous talking about it. I’m a guy after all and it’s not exactly a well broached subject for most of us. As a woman, you mostly garner sympathy and support, aside from your typical a*****e who immediately thinks it was your fault. But for men, guys… boys, it’s a much more lonely struggle. And when you don’t have a lot of support through something so mind f*****g, there isn’t a lot of hope for you. I’m not sure why in using this moment as the beginning to this lifelong story, maybe because in the easiest way to grasp for you readers, it’s the most obvious turning point from potential to straight up, hard mode.
I was 15. Active in high school, there was nothing typical about me. I was 5’7 awkward, not overly motivated but I had a good group of friends in the popular tier of high school society. I wore bell bottoms and smoked weed, skipped and still got good grades. I got into a lot of fights and killed it in wrestling, came first in my city’s championship. I went to work part time at McDonald’s and still had time to attend martial arts five times a week. I was dedicated to Aikido. I studied for eight years at this point and was f*****g good at hurting people. Something people would regularly use, especially since my home life wasn’t so good and due to a particular parental figure taking his anger out on me I was very used to violence.
Ironically, all of this led up to the moment that would bring me to where it all went wrong. Heh, causality. What a b***h of a thing. Kinda makes you feel like a slave to your own circumstances at times. If there were some smart people reading this, you could predict what happens to me, what I become, by the end of this. But I’m not going to ruin any surprises for you… that wouldn’t be fun.
If you want to hear more, leave a comment. I promise, my story is unlike any other, I also have no reason to embellish or lie, truth is always stranger than fiction.
Yours always, Tents.