Side note: this story is written as if from a spiral, so yes its all over the place.
Wednesday, the day after the text.
Either way, neither one of us looked good. I suppose I took the option that made me feel better, ‘of course please do go ahead’ but following a drink ‘this is how I actually feel’. And then when the guilt sets in ‘Oh don’t worry I don’t really feel like that it’s just a bad time’. Well he and I both knew that was crap, it’s a bad time sure, but in reality never was there going to be a good time. And yet his own decision was horrendous, in hindsight I should have given the reply ‘its all good, if you have thought it through’ because that would have absolved myself of responsibility when this relationship between him and her inevitably breaks down. Likely in my opinion through a mix of jealously and the other ones arrogance. Two people can’t both believe they are the smartest person in the room for long. In a game of wits it won’t be hers coming up trump’s but I can guarantee her bubble of no one telling her the truth about who she really is will soon burst.
Ultimately, my decision to say yes and then share my actual feelings was selfish, I was subconsciously begging him to not do this. Not for the sake of any feelings toward him on my part, but the insecurity that she brings out in me. She is Bianca. I realise that in my reflecting mind. I also realise that not having had this kind of vulnerable friendship before, I am terrified of being left broken and unwanted. In a way it is the fear that so many of us suffer when in a relationship, except without the reward of s*x.
I diverge, back to my actual point which is, his decision is also selfish, and this is the aspect which I don’t believe he has thought through. It is selfish on two parts, the first is, having known me exactly as I am, he knew well in advance of asking me this question how I would feel and the only undetermined item in his mind was what my outward reaction would be. This panic of mine was expected to him, and so someone who I can only class as a best friend (god I hate that term) chose to cause me this pain, panic and anxiety, it was a conscious decision, made worse by the fact that I am also aware he is acutely familiar with this particular brand of mental illness, so knows the internal struggle. The second area of selfishness, comes instead from a much less conscious place, it is to be expected that both him and her will decide to discuss and rant about their ups and down in this potentially flammable relationship. In reality, I am now stuck hearing every detail of their relationship as I couldn’t share my feelings with her, and whilst he knows and can be secretive, he also couldn’t help but tell me last night multiple times how hot he thought her to be and how looking forward he was to the opportunity to f**k her.
Well at least it’s a precursor of things to come and the reminder of my diminishing friendship will become a near daily occurrence, which may or may not be worse than hearing nothing, which through my anxiety ridden head I would take to be hate from them both as opposed to any kindness on their part.
I suppose I would be more concerned if my expectations of this relationship were more than the fact that she is just grateful for the attention, (particularly not from her usual kiddiewankers) so will be relatively contented once she feels he is added to her repertoire of mindless followers and leave him standing in the wake of his own loneliness once more. I suppose we shall see how Saturday proceeds. But I suppose what I can say is, I will not stand in the way of his potential happiness, because I genuinely want that, but the fact that he has made the exact opposite decision about me is painful and speaks to the abandonment of the friendship which will be inevitable anyway if this relationship hits the ground running. All I can say for the moment is that I truly hope we are looking at just the quick dying flame of a match and not a long detonation fuse.
An important aspect I suppose is that this is all my fault. Through my own fear of being a reject, I am the highest academic of the obsessive study of those around me, and so despite me sharing nothing but time and lies with her, I knew her incessant need to control the image which she presents to those around, a trait which I can sympathize to of course, but which manifests very differently to my own insecurity, in fact the polar opposite, for my fear of rejection causes me to be cold, whilst giving a front of arrogance, hers comes nearly entirely from validation, generally from the other species we call men. Although she claims to be bisexual I believe this to be just another method of attention from the painfully distracted opposite s*x. (To be clear, my own orientation couldn’t easily be described as straight). Ultimately invited her to meet my friends from London, she saw an opportunity to get one up on Nikki, who she saw as being her replacement, by promptly steeling his attention, as well as a way to get one up on me, who despite her distaste to the fact, I was actually the one who held our old friendship group together and introduced her to it. (An important note, she promptly started dating one of those people in order to secure her place. Which ironically is how she finds her ‘friends’ generally.) But despite me being well aware of this the first time, I was not so close with him and dared to invite her a second time, a time when they kissed. This was fine by me because as I say, I did not count him among my inner circle at this point, and whilst my friendship-jealousy was roused, I mistook this for actual sexual jealousy and proceeded to claw through my depression to crave his attention, which consisted of a few months of heavy drinking but amounted to very little but the realisation that the very idea of sexual contact with him is repulsive to me. Perhaps I know him too well.
And so, the third time she invited herself, bringing along with her a gentleman caller from my past, which as this man serves as a reminder of my own failings which occur when my self worth winks out of view, distracted me for a brief period of that evening. Also I left her with him assuming they would spend the night and move on from this awkward dance of flirtatious expectation. Alas I was wrong, she bottled at the thought of having to make good on her unspoken promises of being a bad girl and such I received a message four days later ‘you okay if I ask Hayley out?’ to which I reply ‘yeah mate crack on’ while internally screaming ‘F**K YOU’. Only to spill my true thoughts a short time later over a drink with him which I had intended to be the last horrah of our friendship, but instead I was entirely unable to enjoy myself and became awkward therefore conceded a moment of showing the genuine depths of my mental illness.
And so I shall wait to see what the weekend brings to this story of selfishness on all parts.
Monday after the weekend.
I have heard nothing, which as mentioned I can only assume is due to a good evening. For if it was bad I would surely had received a message from both as they seem to live blissfully unaware of my darkness and count me as a friend. So I now have a choice. I can take proactive measured to end this, I can forget I ever shared a friendship with him and a fake-allegance with her, or I can grit my teeth and ask how it went. The choices seem easy to me, I should choose the first, save them from each other. But as I strive to be better in my life option 3 sounds like what a ‘good’ person would do if there is such a thing.
But why should I suffer listening to these fools. They are doomed, it is inevitable. Perhaps I shall think over the way to cause the least suffering overall, is my suffering worth less than there’s? Shouldn’t the grand total of suffering be the ultimate calculation? Surely they will both suffer along with me if this continues? It would be easy. She has had heart problems before.
Tuesday.
I received a courtesy message today from him, I chose to ignore it as I know the obvious next question from me should be asking how it went.
Wednesday
He understood my silence and has not bothered to continue attempts to contact me, clearly I am not required now a sparkly new thing has entered the room of our lives.
Thursday
I decided to go with option one. Better before it went too far. I’m glad to say I know that she is alone on the train for a while before work and due to previous conditions it will be assumed to be stroke or a heart issue when she is found. Poor thing trusted me enough to believe my Story of a meeting in Kent. I would feel bad if she had a heart. I suppose the larger issue here is the pleasure i got as I felt my trusty hypodermic pierce the flesh of her alabaster thigh covered in a thin black sheen from tights. The pop of the skins resistance. The small yelp was exactly the same that Bianca made all those years ago.
Amazing that something as common as air can cause such devastation to a young heart. Bianca was more enjoyable, that was revenge, this is protecting him.
Friday
Her Mum rang me, she has been declared dead, autopsy to follow. He text me, he feels bad because their date went terribly.
Is Oops a little to noncommittal?