I’ve been part of my new high school for 3 years now, so i guess you could say it’s not technically new anymore. I’m still making tons of new friends but i’ve been with my best friend Kyle since day one, we always play Pokemon together and watch episodes of Dragonball z.
My new school also has a very dark past, i was told it in my first year by Kyle, he also told me it’s been about 30 years since it happened. To cut a long story short, there was a girl called Melissa who attended this very same school 30 years ago and from what i can gather she suffered from clinical depression because of her constant bullying by her other classmates. She suffered with this for years and eventually it all became to much for the poor girl and she went on a mad killing spree, killing 14 of the 22 students in her class including the teacher. She worked her way up to the school’s roof where she continued to slash at her own body with a butcher knife, finally she ended her own life by walking over the edge and plummeting to her death. This is how the story goes anyway, personally i don’t know anymore than what i’ve been told but if i’m being honest.
I couldn’t care less
I’ve really never known of the emotion we call sympathy or sadness, for my whole school life i guess you could say i’ve been wearing a mask to hide the true me, ironically myself has never met the real me either. I’ve been trying to learn different emotions through people, which i why i have so many friends.
So far ive succeeded in being seen as funny, i learnt as long as i kept a winning smile on my face, then people wouldn’t hate me but rather love me. 19 years of my life, that’s how long ive kept up this charade, if you can even call it that.
Hey dude, did you hear what happened last night?
My friend Kyle said with a sickening expression, i made myself look concerned.
What dude?
You know that quite chick Samantha, the one that sits in the corner alone.
Yeah?
I heard she killed herself last night. Hanged herself in her room.
Once i heard this i didn’t know how to react, i hadn’t learned the emotion sadness yet. I just stared blankly at my friend until he said something.
Dude, do you not feel anything?
No. I said to myself
I’m sorry Kyle i don’t know what to say.
Yeah, i guess it is shocking news. Well want to come round mine later.
Sure thing. I replied. With our heads both down we walked to our seats, the class was about to start and i’m certain we’ll be getting the same old tired speech from the teacher. “She was such a value to us all” “Our condolences to her family” “She will be missed”.
What b******t
If she truly cared for anyone in this class then she wouldn’t have killed herself and left the burden to fall on us, if only she didn’t think of herself we might not be in this situation.
As usual class seemed to take forever to finish and by the end i actually felt like killing myself. The next day rolled around and the next and so on until a week had past since Samantha’s death, one week and i still hadn’t felt anything. Truthfully i actually forgot until a friend mentioned it today, i was getting ready to sit down until Kyle came running up to my desk drawing for breath.
Dude!
It took him awhile to get the rest of the words out, he was still catching his breath.
Its happened again, another death!
Really? I replied
Yeah. I’ve only just found out but they say she was found with knife marks all over her body. Just like that story, remember that girl did it too herself on the roof.
I actually forgot about it until he just mentioned it. I tend to get rid of useless information i have no need for. This time i really couldn’t be bothered to lie and put on a show for everyone to watch. I just came out and said what i was thinking.
I really couldn’t care less
I knew after saying this the whole class would probably hate me, i’ve spent years with this mask on my face showing people the false me and now i really haven’t got the effort to put up with anymore s**t. My friend replied the exact way you’d think he would, the way any normal human would.
You heartless s**t!!!!. Don’t say something like that.
I just stared at him. No expression to show, i didn’t know what he wanted from me so i showed him the one thing i had learnt to do good over the years.
I smiled.
He flung straight at me, rage consumed his face as he punched me right in my eye, my now bloodshot eye. I didn’t understand why he was so angry he didn’t even know them, perhaps this is what people call compassion.
Compassion? I don’t know what this word means.
I was sent to the nurse’s office, Kyle really did a number on my face its funny how those simple five words “I really couldn’t care less” could ruin a 3 year friendship. I stared blankly into distance as the nurse started to patch me up, there was only one thing going on in my head right now.
I guess i won’t be watching Dragonball z anymore with him.
Days passed without anyone in the class saying a word to me, eventually days turned to weeks and weeks into months. Over time i started to feel something, i didn’t know what it was called but i thought to myself, was this what those girls and Samantha were thinking at the time before their deaths. I remembered i used to call people like that selfish and know i’m contemplating the same thing, killing myself. Im sure the rest of the class will be happy if i’m gone, i no longer have any friends and i haven’t spoken to my family in years. Now that i think about it, it actually makes a lot of sense.
Class had finished and without a moment of thought or hesitation i started my walk.
To the roof.
Once i reached there i was blinded by a beam of light, the sun i thought what a wonderful day. I closed the door behind me and slowly started to move to the edge, each step felt heavier than the last it was like my body was saying no but my mind couldn’t react with any sort of reply. By the time i knew it i was standing looking at the concrete floor below, the wind brushed through my hair it felt like God was giving me a push. Still even now inside my head, there was nothing. I was hoping for at least something new, some new emotion that might help me carry on living.
But nothing.
When i turned round i realised the door i closed behind me earlier was now open. Kyle stood in front of me, now he was the one with the expressionless face.
Do you remember? He said
I just started directly at him, of course i had no idea what he was talking about.
Of course you wouldn’t, you don’t remember anything in that mind of yours but only the things you care about. Well i lost something i cared about!!!!
I Still had no idea.
6 months ago, when i came running to you about my sister and all you could say was you couldn’t care less!!!!
I remembered. Yes it was Kyle’s sister who killed herself that time, i guess back then i should have paid more attention to the conversation, or perhaps i did remember and didn’t care enough about that part of the story. About his own sister. I started to actually think, what sort of friend was i to him. I was to indulge in my own thoughts that i didn’t realise Kyle was now running straight for me, I wanted to move but couldn’t my feet just stayed still like they were attached to bricks. He grabbed me by the chest and pulled me so far to his face i could see his pupils dilating.
Tell me you b*****d!! What are you thinking right now.
I. Didn’t know.
For the first time in my life my thoughts had vanished, i didn’t know what to tell him. The only thing i could do is resort to using the last emotion i could ever remember using in a conversation, ironically it was the conversation 6 months ago between me and Kyle. After a few seconds had passed i did it.
I smiled.
With complete anger in his face he threw me off the school’s rooftop. Suddenly my head started spinning, i was feeling so many things i had never felt before, Sorrow, regret, sadness, i was actually scared of dying something i thought i’d never feel. I guess i can only thank Kyle, whats this? I thought.
A tear?
I was crying, seconds away from death and i cry? I started laughing to myself. I could feel my head hit the concrete.
My last thought?
I smiled.